One day during those early tenure-insecure years at the University of Illinois, I met my dear senior colleague Larry Gushee in the School of Music. Apropos of nothing at all he quipped, "if you took up the ukulele you' d have all the despised instruments covered, " and then walked off without another word. He knew me as both a banjo and accordion player. How can you tell if a stage is level? The drool flows evenly out of both sides of the banjo/accordion player's mouth. What do you call a

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... ful girl on the arm of a banjo/accordion player? A tattoo. Why are there no accordions on Star Trek?